


Letting Bygones Be

by Jordle



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Episode Related, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-03-19
Updated: 2005-03-19
Packaged: 2018-12-27 02:19:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jordle/pseuds/Jordle
Summary: Brian and Justin talk about the things they should have discussed a long time ago. There is a bit of Ethan - but don't worry - I'm not an Ethan fan so he comes across as quite pitiful! Please Review :)





	Letting Bygones Be

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

I never thought I’d see him again. After I found him out for what he was, I left. At first I was shell-shocked but then I was happy that he had fucked that other guy in Harrisburg. It put things in perspective for me. It made me realise I was living a lie. That my heart would only belong to one person – no matter how many times I tried to pretend he didn’t exist.

Brian.

Things were going so well. Stockwell got defeated, I was allowed back in school, and Brian started his own company. Nothing could stop us. I think it was pretty obvious to anyone who saw us that we were in love.

The past was the past. Good memories, bad memories – every piece that helped put us together, to take us to the place that we were now.

Ethan who? The name didn’t even sound familiar anymore. Until he saw me…

I had been spending a lot of time with Daphne. She had broken up with her boyfriend so I was doing the supportive best friend thing. Not that it was a chore, fuck, Daphne had been there for me enough times, but it meant that I wasn’t staying overnight at the loft as much as I would have liked.

I had been working lots of early shifts at the diner so Brian would come in and eat his breakfast and we would attempt to hang out. Occasionally we would time it so my shift finished with enough time for Brian to take me home and fuck my brains out before he had to be at his office for his first appointment.

It was one of these particular days when I saw him. Brian and I had gotten a little carried away so he cancelled his morning meetings. This meant that he didn’t have to be at Kinnetik until one. We were going to spend the whole morning in bed. It was a great plan until I remembered that it was Wednesday not Tuesday and I had a class at ten. The class went for two hours – so I could be back at the loft before Brian had to leave, but I still didn’t imagine that Brian would lean over the bedside table and retrieve his car keys.

He pushed them into my hands “Just don’t be late home”.

My mouth dropped open, I must have had a strange look on my face because he started to laugh.

“What?” I asked.

“I didn’t just solve the meaning of life, I just said that you could borrow the ‘vette.” He raised his eyebrow and added “which is an offer that will be reneged if you don’t hurry out of this bed and put some clothes on that nice ass of yours.”

He playfully slapped my ass. I laughed and leaned down to kiss him. “Thankyou”, I whispered.

“Just be home by 12.30”, He whispered back.

I know why Brian got his car. Michael still calls it the boyfriend replacement – and it isn’t as if Brian needs a flash car to get laid – but you really do get noticed when you are driving it.

I could see people’s heads turning as I drove by. I was enjoying it so much that I wound down the window – even though it was the death of winter. By the time I got to PIFA my ears and my nose were bright red, but my confidence was at an all time high!

I found a car park on it’s own (Brian didn’t like parking it next to some other car in case they dinged it). I turned off the engine and grabbed my bag and art gear from the passenger seat. I was locking the doors when I heard a voice say

“.. Nice ride".

“Thanks”, I couldn’t keep the smile off my face until I turned around. “I… Oh, Ethan.” If the shock was evident on my face it sure wasn’t on his.

“Justin! How are you?” As if nothing had ever happened.

I adjusted my satchel. “I’m fantastic – and I’m late for class.” I brushed past him, “Excuse me.”

“I’ll see you round,” he replied.

See me round? The fuck you will, I thought. I had not thought about Ethan Gold since the day I walked out of his apartment. His. It was never mine and it was definitely never ours. I had to fit into his life. I had to change. I did change. And deep down I hated myself for it. Now, every time I looked at Brian I counted my lucky stars, so so thankful that he took me back. Just to think of what my life would have been without him.

I barely remembered what my class had been about when I left it. I felt numb. All these different emotions came to me at once. Seeing Ethan again had really thrown me. I wasn’t emotional in an ‘I miss him’ kind of way but I felt hurt and vulnerable and guilty. Guilt was the main one. Guilt was that pounding thud deep inside, the one that never completely went away, the pounding that would get harder when I would see the look on Brian’s face whenever he heard violin music. The pounding that would get harder when I looked at the first issue of Rage. The pounding that right now made me want to rip out my insides. 

I just felt like driving around, but I knew that Brian would kill me if he had to take the bus to work, plus I didn’t want people to be staring at me at the moment.

I arrived back at the loft with plenty of time to spare. Brian had just gotten out of the shower and had somehow managed to lose his towel.

‘Why are you naked?” I asked, all thoughts of the fiddler gone from my mind.

He put his arms up in a shrug and gave me a sly smile, “Why the fuck not?”

God I love him.

He sat down on the sofa – still naked and I climbed on top of him.

‘So how was your morning?” he asked, “Did you enjoy all the people staring at you?”

Asshole. I knew that’s why he had the ‘vette!

“It was okay.” I brushed my fingers through his drying hair and gave him a soft kiss.

He looked at me perplexed. “What was that for?”

I gave him a weak smile. “I saw Ethan today.” The words just tumbled out of my mouth.

Brian pushed me off him and stood up. “I’m going to be late for work.” Was all he said. He walked into the bedroom, put on a suit and walked out the door without a goodbye.

 

My allergies must have been really bad because I spent the rest of the day with tears streaming down my face. I just couldn’t work out why the fuck I told him. Who cares that I had seen Ethan. He had not been a part of my life in a long time and he would never be again. So why would I tell Brian something like that? Maybe because I’m stupid.

When Brian and I got back together he told me I didn’t do anything wrong, he told me that I was always free to go, he told me it didn’t matter. But even Brian Kinney, master of hiding his feelings, couldn’t hide the hurt in is eyes

I called Daph to tell her that I would be staying at the loft. I had decided to cook a meal for Brian, hoping that it would make any awkward silences a little better. It wasn’t very exciting; I had just fried up some chicken breasts and coated them with lemon pepper. I had also made a fresh green salad on the side.

I had called Cynthia at the office to see if Brian had left yet. She said five mins ago, so I knew that I had about another 10 mins before he got home.

I set the table so it looked semi formal. I was going to light some candles, but I knew Brian wasn’t really into that sort of thing – and Ethan was – so using candles to make Brian forget about Ethan was extremely counter-productive.

The loft door opened slowly.  
“Mmmh, that smells nice.” Brian said, walking over to the couch, discarding his briefcase and taking off his coat. “How come you’re cooking?”

“Felt like it… it’s chicken.” I replied.

He walked over to the table. “Should we eat?”  
I nodded.

He raised an eyebrow and walked towards me. I was pretty sure that he didn’t want to eat the chicken.

Before I knew it my t-shirt was on the ground and my pants were undone. He was kissing me with such urgency that I was having trouble breathing. I pushed him away. ‘Our food’s getting cold.” I panted.

He pulled me back in close and whispered “Salad doesn’t get cold and you can reheat chicken.”

I felt a goofy grin coming. “I guess you’re right.”

Brian led me into his room and pushed me softly onto the bed. He finished undressing me and then I undressed him, soon he was fucking me, it was fast and intense and it was over too quickly.

Afterwards when we were lying in the afterglow, trying to get our breath back Brian rolled over so he was on top of me. He rubbed my nose with his and looked deep into my eyes.

“So what did you do this afternoon?” He asked.

“Not much. Did some school work, cooked the chicken that you didn’t eat.” I gave him a playful slap.

“I decided that your ass would taste better.” He replied.

“You didn’t give me a rim job.” I pointed out.

He made a noise that sounded a lot like a giggle (which happens more and more these days) “There’s still time.”

I squirmed out from underneath him. “No. We are going to eat – the chicken.”

“Fucker.” He said.

 

By the next morning I was feeling pretty good. Brian and I had a great night. He enjoyed the chicken (well actually he complained that it had gone a little rubbery – which I informed him if he hadn’t fucked me instead of eating it in the first place, never would have happened) we watched some TV and then we went to bed… not that we slept!

I’m pretty sure that he had forgotten all about me seeing Ethan and if he had remembered he wasn’t letting it on. The only problem was I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Not the actual sight of Ethan, but the fact that I told Brian.

I had to work the lunch rush at the diner so after I had finally gotten out of bed and had a shower (Which took some time as Brian insisted he join me) Brian drove me to work.

‘I’ll pick you up when you’re done.” He gave me a sweet kiss.

“Okay” I said softly, returning his kiss. He grabbed me behind the neck and pulled me close.

“No…no…work…have too” I tried to talk between kisses. I managed to push him off. “If you keep doing that, I’ll end up going to work with a huge hard on. Is that what you want? Debbie will never let you or I live it down.”

He let go of me and sighed. He ran his fingers through his hair (such a turn on) “Well we wouldn’t want you wasting a hard on now would we?”

I shook my head and got out of the car. It wasn’t until Brian had driven off that I heard it. Violins. Someone was torturing a cat. 

I had never really enjoyed violin music, but for some reason I had when I was with Ethan. He was a very talented musician; it was just a shame about his lack of personality. Now the sound of the bow gliding across the strings sent shivers down my spine – and not in a positive life affirming way. It was like someone running their fingernails down a blackboard.

Even though, when I would hear a violin I would occasionally associate it with Ethan, I never thought it would actually be him playing.

I was about to open the door of the diner when I looked up. It was Ethan. I couldn’t believe it. I froze. I just stood there. I couldn’t think of anything else to do.

He spoke first. “Hey.” He stopped playing and gave me a smile.

“W.. why are you here?” I asked, my body had still not moved.

He shrugged “I get good tips here.”

I reached into my pocket and produced a $1 bill. “Well here.” I said throwing the bill at him. “Here is a tip, pack up your shit and go away.”

“That isn’t very nice, Justin.”

“Very nice?” My voice was wavering, I was so angry. I took a deep breath. “I have to work. Hopefully you aren’t here when I finish.” I walked into the diner with my stomach in knots.

“Sunshine!” Debbie cried. She was standing at the entrance, looking at me intensely. “Honey, are you okay?”

I nodded. “Fine.” I said softly. It was about as far from the truth as it could be. “I’m late.” I added.

Debbie gave me a weary glance and went back to work.

A couple of hours later, I volunteered to take out the rubbish. I wanted to check, wanted to see if he had gone, he had. With a sigh of relief I walked back inside, I had a slight spring in my step and what it made it even better was that Brian was sitting at a booth.

I walked straight over to him – not being able to control the huge grin on my face. “What are you doing here?” I asked

“Waiting for you.”

I looked at my watch, ‘Brian, I have another hour.”

“Okay so I wanted some lunch and since you have eaten all the food at my house – even though you don’t fucking live there – I decided to pick something up at the diner.” His hazel eyes sparkled “And I’m waiting for you.” He grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze and I felt my legs go weak. 

“I have to work.” My voice was barely audible.

“I’ll wait.” He said.

 

The last hour of my shift seemed to go on forever. To make it more enjoyable I kept coming up with ways of walking past Brian’s booth. Sometimes he just looked at me, other times he would slap my ass.

I still had 15 mins left when Debbie came up to me (I had decided that Brian’s table looked dirty so I was cleaning it). “You are about as subtle as a fucking steam train doing 200 miles an hour.” She said to me, waving her finger. “Just clean off table seven and you can go. I can’t stand to watch those puppy dog eyes the two of you have for one more second.” 

I kicked Brian’s leg. “You’re giving me a bad reputation at work.”

He ran his hand down my chest. “I’ll make it up to you.” He grabbed my t-shirt and didn’t let go.

“The quicker you let me go, the quicker you can fuck me.”

He gave me a soft push, “Hurry up and clean, I need to pee anyway.” Brian stood up and walked towards the bathroom.

Table 7 was right near the front window. I loved looking out at Liberty Avenue. There were always so many characters. Since Stockwell had been indicted Liberty Av had grown and become even better, it was so much fun to work down it.

I was in my own little world so I didn’t notice when he came in.

“Hi again, Justin.”

I looked up. It was Ethan. I threw down the cloth I was using to clean. “What are you doing here?”

“I’ve just been thinking about you lately, ya know, since I saw you at school the other day… driving the corvette.”

I gave him a stiff nod, “So since I was driving a corvette you think that we mean something to one another?”

He looked confused, “No…I”

“Well it isn’t my car, it’s my boyfriend’s, so I really don’t think that I will be any help to you.”

“Any help to me?”

I shrugged, “You know, if you can drive a corvette to one of you performances it might make you look better, because lets face it you are only in things for yourself.”

He shook his head and edged towards me. “That isn’t true.”

He reached out to touch me. I stepped back into a table. “What the hell are you doing?”

“I miss you. My life hasn’t been the same since you left.”

I couldn’t believe that he had the balls to say all this to me. ‘I already told you I have a boyfriend.” I looked him straight in the eye. “And even I didn’t, you mean nothing to me – you never did.”

Ethan crossed him arms across his chest. “That isn’t true.”

“Oh the fuck its not.” I was almost yelling.

“Sunshine.” That was Deb, she had obviously noticed what was going on. “How long does it take to bus a table?”

“I’m done.” I turned to look at her and mouthed “Thankyou.” Debbie looked at Ethan and then at me. She gave me a look that said ‘what the fuck?’ and walked off to retrieve an order.

Ethan seemed oblivious. “Look, Justin, if we could just talk…”

“About what? That you’re a selfish asshole who only gives a shit about himself? That you are a cheater and a liar?” I was fully done with keeping my temper. “Number one, I already told you that I have a boyfriend, number two,” I was counting the points on my fingers, “If you were the last man on Earth I wouldn’t go back.”

“Come on.” He was pleading, “What about all those romantic nights?”

“They were a crock of shit.” I felt like I wanted to bang my head against the wall.

“What about the sex?” Ah, Mr. Gold tries a new tactic.

I let out a laugh, “Average. Many others have done much better.”

“You enjoyed it.”

I nodded. “I’m a guy. It was sex. Of course I enjoyed it. Doesn’t mean it changed my world.” I absentmindedly picked up the cloth and gave the table one last wipe over. “Why are you still here? Don’t you have guys in Harrisburg you could be fucking?”

“Okay you ready now blond boy?” Brian. He walked up to me smiling and the smile didn’t fade when he saw… “Ian!” He exclaimed. “How are things?” Brian put his arm around me and I wasn’t sure if I could have been happier than at that moment.

Ethan didn’t even correct him, he just gave me a look of horror. “Him?” He pointed at Brian. “Why?”

Brian rubbed my back and gave me a quick smile.

“I don’t need to explain or justify anything to you.”

“Look, alright, I’m sorry about the guy in Harrisburg.” I really would not have been surprised if he got on his knees and tried to suck my cock.

“I’m not.” He looked at me surprised. Ethan Gold was falling on his sword. “You used your slimy charm to take advantage of me when I was vulnerable. You fucking that guy just opened up my eyes.” I turned to Brian and looked directly into his eyes. “I was always supposed to be with Brian.” I gave him a quick peck on the lips. I turned back to Ethan, “You just helped prove that.” Brian had the biggest grin on his face.

Ethan threw up his arms in exasperation. “But he fucks other guys!”

I saw Brian roll his eyes. I couldn’t believe that he was keeping so quiet.

I shrugged. “Yes, he does. So do I – and so did you. Only Brian and I are honest about it and we know that when we go home at night and it is just us our time together – the sex – will be the best by far.”

“What about conversation?”

I nodded. “Yes our conversations are different, too, meaning we actually talk about my life occasionally.” For the first time since this whole thing started I could feel people watching.

“I always talked to you about your life.”

I’d had enough. “Jesus, you’re fucking pitiful. Why are you still here? Just leave.” 

“No!” He sounded like a 3 year old who had candy taken away.

“Ha!” Brian was finding this too amusing. “That is easy to fix. We’ll leave.” With his hand on my ass he began to push me. I still had my apron on but I didn’t care. As Brian and I walked past him I said, “It never would have worked because I always loved Brian – you were just a roadblock to make us stronger. Now why don’t you do everyone a favour and don’t come back here.”

“Bye Ian.” Brian waved. Fucker.

“It’s Ethan!” I thought he was going to cry.

“Whatever.” Brian reached into his pocket and got his keys. “Justin, you wanna drive the ‘vette?”

I grabbed them, not giving Ethan a second glance. “Fuck yeah!” 

“Good lets go.”

 

The drive home was quiet. I was still in shock from my Ethan encounter. What was he thinking? That I would see him and automatically run into his arms?

I hadn’t dared look at Brian for the trip, I just couldn’t stand to see him upset. I stopped at a red light and I felt Brian’s hand on my thigh.

“What are you doing?” I asked finally looking at him. He was smiling. “Why are you smiling?”

He looked me directly in the eyes, his hand stoped caressing my leg. “What just happened, I want you to know that it’s not a big deal, alright?”

A car beeped behind us, the light had turned green. “Shit.” I muttered putting the corvette into gear. With my eyes back on the road I said, “Can we talk about this back at the loft?”

“Sure.” 

As soon as we arrived at Brian’s place I jumped on him, smothering him with little kisses. “Mmm, mmh, hey Justin, hold on.” Brian gave me a soft but firm push.

“What?” I asked trying to catch my breath.  
He took my hand and led me to the sofa. “Talk first, fuck later.” He stopped and looked at me. “You thought I would forget. Or avoid it. Didn’t you?”

Fuck. “Avoid what?”

“You said you wanted to talk at home when we were driving. So we’re going to fucking talk.” He sat down sideways on the couch so we were facing each other. I leaned behind me and grabbed a cushion. I hugged it to my chest. I felt like I was a fucking four year old.

I took a deep breath. Brian was staring at me intently but I couldn’t bring myself to look back.

He poked me with his foot. “How do you feel?” He asked in barely a whisper.

“Guilty… and sorry.”

His face didn’t change. “Why?”

“Because...” I said into the cushion.

He leaned towards me and pried the cushion away. “Because?”

With the cushion gone I clutched my chest. “I caused you so much pain.”

Brian shook his head. He got off the couch and retrieved two beers from the fridge. He came back and handed one to me.

He had a drink and took a deep breath. He moved back towards me. “Justin” His tone was serious. “It’s over, done. We’re fine.”

“But” I started.

“Justin, listen to me. Are you listening?” Brian took my beer from me and put both bottles on the floor. He took my face in his hands. “We’ve never talked about Ethan, have we?”

I started to say something but Brian stopped me. “Shh, we have never talked about him because it wasn’t a big deal.”

I shook myself out of Brian’s grasp. “What do you mean it wasn’t a big deal? It was a big deal to me.” I stood up and started to pace. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. “Do you know what I went through in those months?” A part of it was anger, I knew that much. “You gave me no support. I didn’t even know who I was.”

Brian stayed silent, so I kept going.

“I asked you what to do about Ethan and you wouldn’t tell me. You should’ve told me to stay.”

“We have been through this before. What I could give you was worth a thousand – no a million times more than anything he had to offer.”

Incredibly pleased that Brian had remembered our conversation I said “We’ll it’s true.”

Brian shrugged “Maybe, but its also something you needed to learn yourself.”

Great he was talking in Brianesque again. “Jesus Brian can’t we just have a normal conversation?”

“We are.”

I kicked the couch, ignoring the sting in my foot. “No we fucking aren’t. You always go on with this ‘I need to find out things for myself’, have you ever thought that wen I ask you a question I may actually want an answer?”

Brian was looking in the other direction. Now I was really mad. How did I get from being upset and sorry to being angry – it just showed the affect that Mr. Kinney could have on me. He continued to stare off into space. I couldn’t believe that he wasn’t listening. I needed to go home. I grabbed my bag. “Fuck you” I muttered.

Brian’s head snapped back and he looked at me intently. “Don’t go. I have something that I need to say to you.” He got up and walked to me. He grabbed my bag and put it back on the breakfast bar. He took my hand and said, “I know you think that I wasn’t listening, but I was. I always listen to you. Please come back and sit down. Please.” His voice was soft and controlled.

His eyes were wide and they had an almost innocent sparkle in them. I didn’t know what to do so I gave him a small nod. He pulled me back on the couch and we both sat down. I let him talk first.  
“I want you to listen to me okay?”

“Okay”.

Brian took a deep breath and he let out a nervous laugh. “I’m almost happy that you left me for Ethan.”

Okkaaaayy.

He continued, “We met when you were 17, you had never been with a man before – much less an older man.”

For the first time that afternoon I was smiling. One because he was stating the obvious and two because I was having flashbacks to our first night together. “I know all of this Brian.”

His brow creased a little as he frowned “Let me talk.” 

“Sorry.”  
“I taught you a lot about sex.” He raised one eyebrow. “Although to suck cock the way you do, you obviously have some natural talent.”

I smiled again.

He smiled back. “I was against love, I was against companionship, and I was against a relationship. I’d spent 30 years on my own – and I thought that was a great way to live.” His voice was breaking.

My hand started to caress his thigh. “Your life changed dramatically when you met me Justin.” He playfully pushed my hand away. “Stop it, I said listen”.

I took my hand away.” Sorry, keep going”.  
I leaned down and picked up the beers that we had been drinking. “want some alcohol?”

Brian looked relieved. He took one of the bottles (which I think had previously been mine) and took a swig. “I treated you like shit, I knew that you would be there when I wanted sex. I used you. You were an easy lay.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but he was right and I didn’t want to spoil the moment, because it was not often that Brian would talk to me like this.

He continued “It didn’t take me long to realise that everything I just said was bullshit.” He suddenly jumped up “Oh fuck this is stupid.”

I followed him to the bedroom. “Don’t stop Bri, Please.”

He threw his coat on the bed. “I’m still in my suit I need to change.”

I stood back and watched him undress. He was so beautiful, it still amazed me that seeing Brian undress could take my breath away.

Before I knew it I was by his side.

“hello” he said.

“Hello” I muttered back and then I kissed him.

“what was that for?” he asked.

I shrugged. “I just needed to do it – and I think that you needed me to do it too.” I rubbed my nose with his and waited for him and he put on his jeans and his black wife beater. “lets go back and talk, yeah?”

Brian lead the way. He got his cigarette packet and took one out. He offered one to me, which I graciously accepted. He lit mine and then his.

I watched the smoke slowly fill the room. “Talk to me Brian.”

He nodded slightly and had another drag. “You were young when we met – fuck you still are. I was the first thing you knew about being a homosexual –“

“I you want me to be the best homosexual I can possibly be.” I didn’t feel the need to tell him he was repeating himself.

“Exactly.” He stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray. “And you know what that means right?” I could hear his voice trailing off, I knew how hard this was for him and at that moment I wasn’t sure if I could love him more..

“It means that I need to be true to myself, not take peoples shit and I need to worship cock like it deserves to be worshipped.”

Brian smiled and I felt the tension lift slightly. “You have that last one down – well mine anyway.”

He must have known that his cock was the only one I cared to worship.

“But” He continued, looking towards the floor. “There is one more thing that makes you the best homosexual you could possibly be.” He returned his gaze to meet mine. “I want you to experience everything. I know how smart and inquisitive you are, and I know that you see the world in a different way to most people. When I met you, you were so innocent but so worldly at the same time. You were like no one I had ever met before.”

I so could’ve cum right now, right here on the sofa.

“You wanted to know everything. Our first night together taught me that. We tried so many things. Most 17 year olds would have fucked once and stopped, but you were so intrigued as to how your body worked and how my body worked. I think that a part of me knew that I would enjoy having you around – but the rest of me was incapable of recognising those kinds of feelings.” Brian moved towards me so his foot was resting on my knee. He stiffed a laugh and said “I can’t believe that I’m saying all this and I’m not even high!”

I moved towards him so his foot was closer to my crotch. “Don’t stop” I whispered.

“Hell I’ve gone this far.” He applied the slightest bit of pressure to my groin area. It went straight to my dick.

He tilted his head to one side. He covered his face with his hands and groaned. I knew it was because he couldn’t believe that he was being so open. I wondered if he realised that lately he was always this open. This was the Brian Kinney that I knew and I loved.

“You changed after the prom. Everything changed.”

I felt like someone had slapped me, Brian looked like he was going to cry.

“We don’t need to talk about this…”  
“Yes we do.” He snapped. I moved his foot away from my dick so his legs were around me. The memory of being bashed was always going to be with me. My gimp hand saw to that, but I had dealt with it. Pulling a gun on Chris Hobbs had seen to that.

“I saw the innocence I liked so much disappear. But that wasn’t the worst thing.”

“Okay.” I said, unsure of what was going to come next. How did we get from me seeing Ethan to a deep and meaningful about the prom. If I wasn’t here to witness it I wouldn’t believe it.

“The worst thing…” He stopped again. He removed his legs from around me and stood up. He went over to the futon and plonked himself down. I considered joining him but I decided that he probably moved away from me on purpose.

“The worst thing… is that night.. that night I wanted to do things differently. I wanted to show you.. h..how much I cared.”

I knew he loved me.

“So I left you there. I wanted you to go back inside and show everyone that you didn’t give a shit what they thought.” He was staring directly at the ceiling. “I didn’t want that night to be about sex.” He rolled onto his side. “Do you know that if I had made it about sex you never would have been hurt?”

Oh My God. 

I’m pretty sure that at that precise moment the whole world shifted. 

“I had no idea you felt like that.” It made so much sense. Brian really tried to show me he loved me that night and it had backfired on him big time. I felt an anger rising up inside me. I was so angry that I didn’t remember much of that night and I was even more angry that Brian carried these feeling around with him. I was usually too busy feeling sorry for myself to think about how the prom had really affect Brian. I knew it upset him but I didn’t think I could comprehend quite how deep the sadness went.

“It just proved that I was no good.”

“That isn’t true.” I protested.

Brian ignored me. “All that happened to you because of me – and you still came back. You still wanted to see me. I don’t think I will ever understand that. You came to love with me and you began to get better – and I didn’t mind having you around.” He smiled them.

I decided that I needed to be close to him so I joined him on the floor. He moved over so I could share the futon. Once I had settled down he put his arms around me and rested his head on my shoulder, his hair tickling my face.

These were the moments I cherished the most. Almost timidly I asked, “So this is where Ian comes along.”

“Ethan” Brian corrected.

I laughed at the irony. “Asshole” .

Brian squeezed my arm. “Yes I am.” His face was now level with mine. “But would you want me any other way?”  
I shook my head and he kissed me on the chin. “So Ethan…”

I sighed, absentmindedly brushing his hair out of his face. “We have to do this don’t we.” I really didn’t want to talk about this.

“Well I haven’t spent the last fucking hour telling you all this shit just to finish before I actually say what I started to say in the first place. “

“I liked when you talked.” I said, almost seductively.

Brian lit another cigarette. “Well I think that I have hit my quota for the week, but I’ll keep going anyway, since you like it so much.”

Asshole.

“I actually didn’t think you would leave – I always thought you would be there and that scared me.”

“Scared you?”

“I’m all you knew when it came to a relationship. Not that there was anything wrong with the sex. I think that we have firmly established that you have enough experience there.” He stuck out his tongue, just a little. “But companionship wise, fuck, I wasn’t the best thing to judge that on.” He was now talking so quietly that I moved so my ear was closer to his mouth. “The best homosexual you can be. Learning things for yourself.”

My mouth and my eyes grew wide. After all this time I was finally getting it.

“So when you met Ethan, I saw something in you that I hadn’t seen before – and I don’t mean the lying and the cheating.”

Okay, Well that hurt.

“I saw a spark – a spark that I had not seen in you in a while.”

“You weren’t really around.” I stated

“If you’re talking about Vermont we have discussed that already.” There was now an angry tone to his voice.

“It was just a statement – I didn’t mean anything in particular. It’s just how I was feeling at the time.” I looked up and noticed that Brian was staring at me, his eyes wide.

His face softened and it was his turn to brush my hair away. He rested his hand on my forehead. “I knew you were fucking him.”

I felt sick. 

“And I knew that it was more than just a fuck because of the way you acted. You knew that I wouldn’t have cared if you fucked him. But the showers as soon as you got home. The fact you weren’t home. Your general mood completely changed.”

I snuggled closer to him and pressed my face into the crook of his neck. I really didn’t want him to look at me right now, but I wanted to feel him next to me all at the same time.

“Did you really think I was going to tell you to stay with me when you told me about him?”  
“I didn’t know what to do.” I said into his neck, I wasn’t sure if he had heard me or not.

“Well I wasn’t. In fact it was the perfect opportunity to push you the other way.”

“I don’t get that.” I was still talking into his neck. It must have tickled because he sort of laughed and scratched his neck.

“The best homosexual…” How many time had he said that now? 4? 5? He pried my hands from around him and pushed me on my back so I had no option but to look at him directly in the eyes. “What do you think would have happened to us if I had told you to stay? Would you have gone to Ian and said ‘actually my boyfriend doesn’t want me to have any feelings for you, so I won’t be seeing you again’”.

I felt really stupid. I really had out him in a no-win situation hadn’t I? I closed my eyes, because I couldn’t bear to look into his anymore.

“I had to let you go, so I pushed you. Justin open your eyes.”

He was so sincere and I was sure that I could see a tear welling in his eye – although maybe I thought that because my eyes were filled with them.

“I wanted this for you.” Brian said.

A solitary tear fell from my eye. I really wondered if Brian knew the depths of his own actions. He had put himself thorough all of this for me.

He wiped the tear away. “You knew I would come back didn’t you?” Talking was such a hard thing to do right now.

Brian shrugged. “I really didn’t know. I mean, I hoped… I saw Ian for what he was – a stuck up little shit who only gave a fuck about himself – way before you did.”

“I was so fucking stupid.” That solitary tear had started a trend, because now there was a tonne of them and because of my position they were rolling sideways down my face and pooling in my ears. I didn’t wipe them away.

“No, no you needed to have an Ethan.” His kissed a tear away. “Now granted, I never saw the attraction. What was that thing on his chin anyway?”

I made a face. Truth be told I have no idea what that was supposed to be!

“You needed to know all your options. You needed to be able to decide what you wanted for yourself and you needed this kind of experience to be able to do that.” Brian sat up and pulled me with him. “I think that I have spoken enough.” He looked cheeky. “Come on. Lets get off the floor and have sex or something.”

I laughed and so did he. I grabbed his hand and walked backwards towards the bedroom. “Oh I think that for what we experience in this last hour, you deserve a few thousand blow jobs.”

“Mmmh, your run of the mill blow jobs or one of your blow jobs?”

I licked my lips. “Oh you are in for a treat Mr. Kinney.”

“Will it involve Ice cream?”

“It can involve anything you want.”

Brian ripped open his jeans, with no regards of the buttons. He pulled them down so I could just see his pubes. I licked my lips. Brian had really opened himself up to me tonight. I know how hard it would have been for him to do and I also knew that we were all the more stronger for it.

I slowly and seductively took off my clothes and then I helped Brian take off the wife beater. I started to kiss down his body, relishing every part of him. I pushed him onto the bed and pulled his jeans from his body. I started at his feet and kissed up his leg, until my tongue was licking the insides of his thighs. Just as I was about to go in for the kill he pulled me up to so I could look at his face.

“Oh and by the way. If you ever repeat that we had that conversation to anyone, I’ll spread so many one-minute-man stories about you, you will never get laid again.” I laughed as he pushed my head back down.

And I thought that he’d changed.


End file.
